My Doctorz Roxxorz

So, the whole Paxil/Celexa switch thing came to a head yesterday. I called my doctor after the 5th time the whole 'I feel like dying' thoughts popped into my head unannounced. Needless to say, she was very happy that I came in. So I start my new pharmaceutical program today... we'll see how it goes. She's going to check in with me in a couple of days, and I need to go back and see her next week.

Also, she gave me a little cardboard elephant in jammies and some horsey stickers. I love her so much!

So after that, I spent some quality time with my sister-in-law at our weekly big-girl date. Yeah - we were both feeling pretty suicidal. It was not a pretty sight. Although, it was nice not to be alone with that feeling. I don't mean physically alone. I mean, Charles is always there for me. It's just that when I'm going through this, he's scared. He's worried. He does that scrunchy eyebrow thing. But Konni and I were laughing 'til we couldn't breath with morbid suicide humour...

Instead of leaving a suicide note, just pin a greeting card for your mother to your shirt - "Let me be the first to offer my condolences on your recent loss." *lol* We're going to Hell!

No no - how about "Dear Mom, I love you. It's not you're fault... SUCKAH" *LOL* Oh Yeah - we are totally going to Hell. *giggle-snort*

It's what I needed last night. I don't feel better, per se. But I think it's beneficial to simply be able to acknowlege this for what it is; to accept it as a part of my psyche, and to make fun of it like I do with everything else.

So, since I'm so fond of communicating through music, here's the song that I couldn't get out of my head yesterday. Enjoy!

I Say
Meryn Cadell

I need violent dying
I need quiet time
If you don't believe me as I slide in the sea...
It doesn't matter much to me

I lie down and I float nowhere
I know why, because I lie
Just hearing my mouth open
I feel the water on my skin dry

I scorn and shame you
Berate and blame you
I beg you to come to me
It's easy; you let me
Don't leave me

Now you won’t come out tonight
Your clothes are clung to you with fright
How am I here again
I fear the mornings as they pull near

I need violent dying
I need quiet times
Hear me, save me as I slide in the sea
No hands
No one
No.