Scared

I had an anxiety attack at work today. It was really scary. I've had anxiety attacks before. It's just that they're usually alone or with Charles. They're usually right before bed, or on a long drive home late at night after a stressful day. They're never in the middle of a department morale building meeting. My doctor gave me some Attivan to stop the anxiety attacks when they start. Apparently they take a really long time to start working.

Right now I'm having difficulty believeing that I got up and left in the middle of the meeting and didn't go back. I had Maura go in to let them know that I had to leave because of a medical issue. My hunny came and rescued me and took me to my mom's. Mamah makes everything better. Charles called the doctor for me.

I don't know how exactly I'm going to explain this tomorrow. I'm considering skipping out.

Now that the anxiety has subsided, I'm starting to head back toward depression and more specifically I can't stop thinking about death. My death.

And I feel like a shitty mommy for even thinking about trying to conceive this month while I'm full of crazy monkies.

Ok - calm down - breathe.

I feel like a manic depressive today. I'm happy & silly and then crazy & anxious and then neutral & professional and then scared & sad. And back and forth and back again.

I feel alone. Scared. Unreal. Insufficient.
*as the warning sirens go blaring*

I need my Julia. And my Stacy. They will keep me together. They will help me get what I need. They will stop the burning.