On Friendship

Well, I've just dissolved a short-run, intense friendship. It was difficult. I knew that I was slipping down a path that I had traveled before. I vowed to never travel that path again. I tried to salvage what I could, but in the end she seemed to only be able to accept all or nothing. So now our relationship is nothing.

As taxing as this has been, I feel calm now. Like a weight has been lifted from me. For the first time in a week or more I don't feel nauseous. It's done. The end.

I've always looked on the relationships in my life with a certain degree of clinical coldness. I'm not the sort of person who can sustain countless friends and acquaintances. The relationships I choose to invest in are very near and dear to my heart, and I will go to the ends of the earth for them. This means that I need to be very selective in the relationships I choose to have. It seems selfish and cold, but it's the only way I know how to deal with life. When I choose to invest in just any old friendship that comes along my path I end up feeling bruised and beaten.

I will give of myself entirely to my core group of family and friends. I will never hold back from Charles, from Sean & Jen, from Kay & Joy, from Carla & Jayson, from Alex, from Adam & Sarah, from Mom & Dad, from Glenna & Bob, from Konni & the kids. I will hold close my professional friendships with Denise, Sarah and Jared. I will love my extended family from afar. And there is simply no more that I can bear. At least not right now. I have disliked having to define my friendships so clearly and clinically. But I am glad that it is done.

I have been dreading this task more than returning to work tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrows task will feel as cleansing as today's.